we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There r osticjed everywhere
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
