It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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