I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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