Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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