I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
