Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
