I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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