What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
