It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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