dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
