Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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