omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
