Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
