I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
