i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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