Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
