I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
