You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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