you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
