It's Friday. Sex?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
