a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think my mom watched the whole time
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
