Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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