the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
