i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
