By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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