Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.