Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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