1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
