Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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