remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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