if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
