When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
