When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
