the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
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I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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