So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
