i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
