I CAN MOONWALK!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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