Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
