at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
