there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
