Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
someone owes me an orgasm
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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