he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
