i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
