my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
