I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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