Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
