ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
