Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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