yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
