just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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