these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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