every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
