You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
