Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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