i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
