You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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