Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
