I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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