ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
