she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
