You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
They have beer where we have blood.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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