She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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